This spring has reminded me a lot of what I have been going though. One day it is sunny and warm and filled with hope and joy and promise of more warmth. I walk outside for hours and smile all day long. I am motivated and inspired and getting tan.
Within a few hours it is raining and overcast and dreary and lonely. I stay inside and am listless. I feel lazy and bored and stuck.
Then the wind blows and everything is everywhere. I am confused and chaotic. I feel angry and irritated and hopeless and lost.
Within a few days the sun is back, but I am skeptical and anxious. Can I start an outside project? Or are you just going to rain all over it and blow it away tomorrow? WEATHER??
I wrote my last post at the bottom of a huge fall. I know and knew that I will look back on it and wonder how in the world I got so far off the path. But I know sometimes you have to get off of the perfectly planned path in order to actually learn something of value. So, off I went. I let myself go.
But, like spring, I am slowly warming back up. I feel fresh and new and cleansed. I feel wounds that are open and still bleeding but the pain is gone. They don’t sting and they are healing beautifully in their own time.
I look at things differently now. Which is how I know something was accomplished in all of this.
I had to take a few steps back so that I could see the canvas from a different perspective. And when I actually looked at it, I realized how beautiful it already has become. I was just too close to get a good view of it. If I kept going in the same direction I would have messed it up completely.
I gave myself the time. I stopped criticizing myself for every choice I made. I stopped weighing myself. I started nourishing myself with what I think my body is asking for. I work out when I feel like it and if I don’t, I don’t. I listen to my body. I have been watching videos and reading books from inspiring people with wonderful information that will help me grow.
I believe I am becoming more me.
I struggle with not weighing myself almost every day. I still have cravings to binge. I am learning how to not revert back to the old me.
I learned that I need to listen more in order to be heard.
I have to respect the real me more.
I have to honor what my body needs.
I am always learning and growing.
I have to be open to learn anything that I am confronted with.
I need to be taught in order to teach.
I have got to stop, and breathe. Everyday.
And I have to buy new flip flops every spring.
I don’t really believe in “New Year Resolutions”. I believe in “when you realize you need to change, then change.” That can and does happen whenever it needs to happen. Not when the calendar says it should.
I started my lifestyle change in the middle of July 2012. It felt like someone flipped on a light switch. I tiny one like an ember, that I grew into a fire ball.
I started my new business in December 2012. Something I realized was meant to be and all I had to do was bring it into reality. I nurtured it and it grew and continues to grow.
I am open to the possibility of change, growth, and prosperity.
I am open to it happening when it needs to happen.
I am grateful for everything that has already happened and everything that will happen.
I walk every single day. Rain or shine. I need it. Up until a week ago it was beautiful and sunny almost every day. I could easily go walking in the morning and wear a tank top. I got into a routine and started a great habit.
I have noticed after a while, I forgot about the need. It became a chore. I started to think of reasons not to go.
Recently it has been getting very cold in the mornings. It makes it hard to get motivated to go for a walk when you know you’re going to spend the whole walk shivering with a numb face.
Today I remembered why I went for afternoon walks in the winter. And I think it is time to start again. By about 3:00 it is usually not only warm enough, but beautiful. It is especially beautiful today, because there are such wonderful colors all around.
Today I couldn’t stop taking huge deep breaths and exhaling with such a huge amount of gratitude. Looking at the sky and saying thank you. I felt like the joy and peace was absorbing into me and then radiating back into the air.
Today I found a renewed sense of need for this experience.
I feel like Fall has taken hold of me. I love the change. It inspires something beautiful and refreshing inside of me. This flower reminded me of how I feel. Around it, everything is changing and withering. Everything is turning into something else and moving on. Right in the middle of it all, this flower is still blooming fiercely. Brilliantly and boldly displaying its beauty for everyone to see. Change will come soon enough. I just need to explode with one last bit of expression. I need to prepare for a wonderful transition.
While walking for the last few days I have been passing these bushes in full bloom and the bees are just covering them. The bush was humming and buzzing. Today I remembered to take my camera with me. I was so excited to be bale to catch one in flight. I was standing so close to them and they were totally comfortable. I love that about bees.
I have no picture for you today. I want to go on a walk by myself and take some new ones, but these days that is almost impossible.
What IS new and exciting is the way I feel. I already posted about how much clearly I can think and function. But it seems to be growing. And combining with my physical body feeling amazing. On my dog/baby I am watching/me walk this morning, I was really struck by how easy it all was. I was walking effortlessly. Truly loving every second. Though the dogs would see a rabbit and lunge, I could correct them, keep the stroller moving, keep my pace, and most importantly keep my composure.
I didn’t realize how much my anxiety and panic attacks were linked to my poor diet. I didn’t really grasp that all of the hard work I was putting into working out, was really pointless when my body was not getting the nourishment is was begging for. I couldn’t understand what people meant when they said things like, “You will get to a point where it is easier…” It never got easy, I always was in pain and exhausted after working out, or even just walking. That made it hard to continue doing it.
I am so thankful that I am experiencing this now. It is the most wonderful feeling. I came home and had energy to spare. I was not exhausted. So I did a twenty minute workout. And an ab workout. And then went on to do dishes and take care of the baby and clean the house and everything else I needed to do. I can feel the muscles working in my body. I feel the lightness of my step. I can stretch my neck and sit up straight and feel my core holding me comfortably. My back doesn’t ache. my head doesn’t pound. My feet don’t scream in pain. I don’t feel light headed. I don’t feel nauseous. I don’t feel panic and fear and weakness at all.
I feel strong. I feel happy. I feel clear. I feel capable. I feel relief. I feel love.
I feel things I never thought were possible.
I did this. I did this for myself.
I will do this for the rest of my life.
When I started this lifestyle change, I simply wanted to get rid of weight. I have made some serious changes, done a lot of research and done some major work and am finally seeing results. I am grateful for that. What is surprising me, is how I feel in my soul. What is amazing me, is what my life looks like to me now. What I never expected, was to feel so much powerful growth inside. It is like everything is finally clear. Everything is crystal clear. The clouded fog that I was dredging through daily, has vanished. I can feel my power. I can experience challenges through these new eyes. I see me for who I am, and I can say, with honesty, for the first time in my life, I love me. Deeply. I never could have dreamed that this could have been the answer to not only my weight loss, but to my lifelong bliss. I have a list of over 6 things that were a daily struggle or physical pain for me, that are now gone. Gone. Like I never experience them. Gone. I am losing weight. I am getting strong. I feel better than I ever have. And to top it off, as if that weren’t enough, my soul is blossoming into the real me. I have the strength to stand for what I love and believe. And I have the ability to enjoy every minute of it. I am uncovering myself physically and mentally. And I love what I see.