I know I have said this before, but I really can not say it enough.
There is so much freedom and power in being honest. I mean being honest about everything in our lives. About ourselves. About what we feel, what we do when no one is looking. The important stuff.
I believe honesty is a huge part of changing our lifestyles for the better. Without it, we are never free to see the answers to our problems. So we stay clouded and hidden. Stuck.
It is so scary at first, to think about “outing ourselves”. It feels like we will be left vulnerable and exposed to the evil in the world. It feels like, if we let go of the secret and the things we feel are so shameful, that everyone will point and laugh and we will be left defeated and alone and empty.
That is such a huge lie that our ego tells us.
The first time I was honest about my binge eating and lack of self control, I did it because I felt like there was nowhere else to go. I had hit bottom anyway, so why not share it? I just threw it out there and waited for the hate to overtake me.
But that didn’t happen.
I was immediately filled with a power that I had never felt. A clean fresh feeling. I was left with no reason to defend myself. There was no argument left to defend. It was a fact, out in the open, and not trapped inside me. I felt freedom. Like I had just set down a 50lb boulder. No one hurt me, ridiculed me, or got angry. I was even more surprised that no one judged me.
I figured out that when that information is out there and you stand behind it with confidence, there is nothing left to knock you down.
It left me with only one option. Deal with the problem that I could now see clearly because I wasn’t so busy defending it. Then that is were the focus went. I do or I don’t. Period. The mind fuck is out of the equation. And I am free to deal with it or not.
I believe that part of the “weight” that I have lost was the weight of all those hidden issues.
I was afraid that those things I was hiding would push me down if I let them go. So I buried them inside with more crappy food and poison and held them in.
But when I released them I found that I was lighter without them inside. I let the poison out and fed myself with nutritious food. My body as well as my mind became free and strong and powerful.
I know there is no magic pill for being happy and healthy, but if anything comes close, I would say that it is honesty.
This spring has reminded me a lot of what I have been going though. One day it is sunny and warm and filled with hope and joy and promise of more warmth. I walk outside for hours and smile all day long. I am motivated and inspired and getting tan.
Within a few hours it is raining and overcast and dreary and lonely. I stay inside and am listless. I feel lazy and bored and stuck.
Then the wind blows and everything is everywhere. I am confused and chaotic. I feel angry and irritated and hopeless and lost.
Within a few days the sun is back, but I am skeptical and anxious. Can I start an outside project? Or are you just going to rain all over it and blow it away tomorrow? WEATHER??
I wrote my last post at the bottom of a huge fall. I know and knew that I will look back on it and wonder how in the world I got so far off the path. But I know sometimes you have to get off of the perfectly planned path in order to actually learn something of value. So, off I went. I let myself go.
But, like spring, I am slowly warming back up. I feel fresh and new and cleansed. I feel wounds that are open and still bleeding but the pain is gone. They don’t sting and they are healing beautifully in their own time.
I look at things differently now. Which is how I know something was accomplished in all of this.
I had to take a few steps back so that I could see the canvas from a different perspective. And when I actually looked at it, I realized how beautiful it already has become. I was just too close to get a good view of it. If I kept going in the same direction I would have messed it up completely.
I gave myself the time. I stopped criticizing myself for every choice I made. I stopped weighing myself. I started nourishing myself with what I think my body is asking for. I work out when I feel like it and if I don’t, I don’t. I listen to my body. I have been watching videos and reading books from inspiring people with wonderful information that will help me grow.
I believe I am becoming more me.
I struggle with not weighing myself almost every day. I still have cravings to binge. I am learning how to not revert back to the old me.
I learned that I need to listen more in order to be heard.
I have to respect the real me more.
I have to honor what my body needs.
I am always learning and growing.
I have to be open to learn anything that I am confronted with.
I need to be taught in order to teach.
I have got to stop, and breathe. Everyday.
And I have to buy new flip flops every spring.
I have been struggling lately with the old bitch. I have had a few compulsive eating episodes because I am grasping for control.
Is it because my weight has plateaued for a fucking month straight? Is it because it is Easter time and the stores are full of fucking Cadbury Creme Eggs? Is it because I feel like I have completely lost my fucking confidence and drive?
I think so.
But what is really getting to me is that I don’t want to look at anything in a different light. I don’t want to find the bright side of anything. I just want to BE angry. I feel like I need to just feel it for a while. I don’t want anyone to fix it for me. I don’t want to solve the problem. I am so over trying to solve it. I don’t want to listen to how anyone else made it through this type of thing. I just want to be lost.
Though I have not lost any weight this month (says the scale) I have lost 2 1/2 total inches. But I am so sick and tired of seeing the fucking numbers not move that it takes the victory of inches away. I know better, I KNOW, but that is my point. I don’t fucking care anymore. How can I try so hard and get a big fat (literally) FUCK YOU every day? I feel as though I have no control anymore. For the first few months of this, I could change a little here and there in my diet and be able to bet money on the scale going down. Now, nothing I do will budge it. I have tried more calories, less calories, no dairy, no meat, more water, more juiced veggies, more exercise, less exercise, different exercise, reading about it, asking about it, talking about it….. ugh sick of even thinking about it….I refuse to believe that this weight is where I will be, and be happy with it. I just can’t. I don’t want to be patient and love my body the way it is and enjoy the ride. I am so over this fat, I can’t even tell you.
Though I have not and will not eat a Cadbury Egg, the victory doesn’t seem to give me any hope, pride, motivation, joy, or accomplishment. I just feel kind of numb. So fucking what. Yay me, big deal. It probably wouldn’t even matter if I did eat the damn thing.
Though I have every reason to feel confident and driven, even after telling myself over and over how far I have come, looking at old pictures, thinking about how I used to feel, I just plain can’t. I know my health is the most important thing and it is awesome right now, but I seriously would love to just rip this fucking fat off of my body for the sake of vanity and throw it into the trash can and be fucking done with it.
I have to somehow learn to deal with this loss of control.
To revel in this limbo.
I am going to accept this for what it is, feel it completely, and when it passes it passes. I am not going to worry about when.
I have decided to put way less pressure on myself.
I have also decided to stop using my scale for a month. I KNOW all about the whole scale issue. I KNOW I should not have been using it daily, but it did help me up until now. Now it has become a negative thing, and so I will stop.
I have to be real. I have to accept that I am not perfect.
I am going to stay true to me.
I’m going to do more for me for a while.
I am going to write and draw and think and cry for me.
Hopefully this will result in something positive in the end.
Hopefully I am just in the middle of a phase and the other side is bright and beautiful and hopeful.
You can read part 1 here.
Today, I will only do one because this one covers a lot and it will be long. Before I start, I just need to say I think it is very interesting that I hear these things from multiple people. It really proves how much the food industry has the majority of us brainwashed. I felt so empowered and proactive as I started making a conscious effort to not let these assholes make me and my kids sick and be used in their money making game. As I started finding more like-minded people who supported and helped me find the right kinds of foods, I got stronger because the fog in my brain literally cleared. I cleansed my body of the chemicals and addictive processed crap. My body began to function the way it was meant to. I became a new person, and more of who I truly am.
This one is kind of touchy for most moms. I take it personally every time someone says these kinds of things because of my own experience (which I will share). So, my response to this subject is driven by my own passion and concern for my own children. When I hear it from others, it sparks something in me that is hard to subdue at times.
#4 “But what do I feed my kids while I am on this diet?” or “My kids won’t eat that and they’ll starve.”
Just let me get out of the way first of all that if I hear someone call this a diet one more time, I am going to freak the hell out. STOP. It just simply is not a diet. And that should answer your question about what your kids will eat. You are changing your LIFE. If it is good enough for you to eat, WHY IN THE HELL would it not be good enough for your kids? Is it okay to feed them crap just because they are getting something in their bellies? But at what cost? Does it honestly make you feel better knowing that they just got closer to getting obesity and numerous sicknesses because you were too lazy to cook them a nutritious meal? None of us have enough time in the day. None of us have enough patience every single day. None of us want to spend extra time and money to go out and buy healthy food and then prepare it all day every day. But how bad do you want you and your kids to stop being fat, unfit, unhealthy, and sick? For me, the need to feel better and do everything in my power to help my kids be healthy outweighed the want of a quick easy “meal”. The truth is there really is something to be said about taking the time to prepare nutrient rich, real food for you and your family. It is THE most loving thing you can do for you and the people you love. That is really ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. And it is NOT that hard to learn how to do after you really consider the pro’s and con’s. Part of this new lifestyle should be re-learning how to feed our bodies and souls. The number one way to do that is to prepare and have ready, real, whole, food for you and your kids. All day. Every day. You teach your kids everything they need to know about life. This should be on the top of the list, because it literally is a matter of life or death. PLEASE take this more seriously. It isn’t just a matter of easy and fast.
My son was about 20 pounds overweight when I started this change. We had just gone to the doctor for his check up, and we got the “talk” from the doctor about how he is overweight for his age. That moment was very surreal for me. And I kept picturing him in my mind as a huge fat teenager. My heart was breaking for him. And I felt helpless. My son has always been very lean growing up. He was starting puberty and in the phase right before a kid has a growth spurt so I, and our family and friends, just kept saying that that was the reason for his being fat. It would have been easy for me to just stay stupid, and pass the blame and play the victim. But, the voice in my head was screaming at me. That HONEST voice that we talked about before. I KNEW deep down, that this was all my fault. I am the one who buys his food and gives it to him. I am the one who offered him crap day in and day out. I am the one who was teaching him how to feed himself crap and how to defend it with a list of excuses. I was doing this because I was too lazy and unhealthy and ignorant to do anything different. It was harder than I could have ever thought to stand up, admit I was doing this to him, and tell him I was sorry and that we were going to fix it. I was driven by my initial motivation to get these changes started, so I ran with it. That kid jumped on board so fast, it blew my mind. All I did was change the type of food that we all ate. Within a few months he had lost over 20 pounds.
When I decided to start changing the way I ate, I refused to buy a whole separate load of groceries for the family. Instead, I started changing their favorite meals into healthy versions. I threw away trash bags full of crap. I found recipes for things that were sweet to help ease them off of the addiction. I was at the store almost every day at first trying to find everything I needed in order to make clean healthy food and pack them healthy lunches. And I did this all as I was sicker than I had ever been, going through my own withdrawal. As we all started seeing how easy it was and how much better it all actually tasted, it sparked dinner conversations about these changes and the snowball just grew from there. I love so much that now, if you ask either of my kids about the way we eat, they will tell you EVERYTHING there is to know about it. Because that has become one of the top lessons in our family.
I am so grateful for the health and wellness of my kids. I am so proud that I am doing the best that I possibly can to raise strong, smart, grounded, happy human beings. It is such a blessing to have grown within myself through that process.
I am the creepy mom that just smiles and hugs my kids at random times of the day just because seeing them healthy and happy is a constant reminder that we are winning.
There are some things that I have been hearing A LOT lately. Things that people will tell me after they ask me how and what I am doing to be getting so healthy and fit. I am not in any way forcing anything down anyone’s throat here, but when you ask, I will tell. It is not my fault if you don’t like what you hear. Now, I realize how far I am from perfect, and I am in no way claiming to know everything here. I am learning every day. But, I obviously have a little experience that shows, or these people would not be grilling me. Thing is, I am a true Pisces through and through and I HATE confrontation, upsetting people, or not being understood completely. This usually results in me not saying much if anything for fear of how it will be taken. My mind, on the other hand, is blowing the hell up.
So, I have decided to be true to my Pisces nature and produce a piece of art through writing here and show my feelings. This way I know it is out there and I will feel better. If you can “hear me”, I hope it helps you.
Here are the statements that I have heard the most and what I truly need to say:
#1 is the most common. “But I crave junk food too much. I am just not willing to give it up.” or “There is just no way I could eat LIKE THAT.”
This comment makes me so angry because there are so many things that these people are just plain blind to and refuse to try to see. Just the automatic closed minded unwillingness to even try to see something in another way that will help them live a happier healthier life kills my heart. I totally get it. I understand where they are coming from. I have been there. It is hard. It is daunting. It is overwhelming. But if someone would have been willing to help me step by step, uh, …holy listening!
It is almost funny how they say “LIKE THAT” like I am eating out of the trash can. I want to scream at them. The way I eat is one of the most loving things you can do for your body. The way I eat gives me more real nourishment and energy in one meal than you probably get in a week. When you start to TASTE real FOOD, that crap you call food loses it’s appeal. Not to mention the fat that your body will just naturally get rid of when you stop feeding it. Yeah, “LIKE THAT”. I am thinking that same thing about the way you eat. How can you feed your body that CRAP and call it food? How can you defend it as it is killing you? The fat you can’t get rid of is kind of your smallest problem, you are playing with your life as we speak, just because you can’t put down the damn Twinkies. Really?
This one, unfortunately, usually ends in my walking away thinking “Go ahead and eat yourself to death….good luck with that.” And it makes me sad.
#2 This is one that I used to say a lot. But now I see the light people!: “It’s not fair that she can eat whatever she wants and never gain a pound.” or “I just want to be skinny.”
Just let me start with the fact that it is very likely that this skinny person is “skinny fat.” There are people who just have the type of body that will stay looking thin. This does not mean that their body fat is any less than yours. If they eat crap, they are still extremely unhealthy and as close to getting cancer, heart disease, and diabetes as a person who is 100 pounds over weight. And if they are also inactive, I can guarantee that they have little to no lean muscle mass. Fact is, you HAVE to eat real whole food every day. You have to move and build lean muscle every day. That is the only way to nourish and maintain a lean, strong, healthy body. If you are not doing that, you are unhealthy. And do I really need to remind you that muscle weighs more than fat? We have to focus on our own personal strengths and nourishing and strengthening our own bodies. No one else is going to do it for us. Worrying about who looks “skinnier” than us only holds us away from our goals.
I love the way this picture shows proof that weight means little when it comes to a healthy lean fit body.
#3 Then there is the classic,: “I have no will power.” or “I am just not a health freak, like you.”
First of all, I never in my life would have thought I would be on the other end of that statement. Crazy. And that in itself should encourage anyone to do ANYTHING to improve their health. If I can do this….anyone can.
Second, I have NO willpower. At all. This has NOTHING to do with willpower. Sure, it is handy at first to get you motivated and start with a bang. But just KNOW it will wear off. It always does. This is why you have to plan and prepare and support yourself for success. You have to plan your meals and have them ready to eat. Take them with you. Schedule time to work out. Set goals and write them down. Look at and read motivational material. Get with like-minded people. Surround yourself with supportive people. And ingrain the need for your health deep inside your heart. YOU are all you have. And YOU are the only one who will give you what you want.
If you put a piece of chocolate cake in my refrigerator, that shit is going in my belly. I have NO willpower. I will say it a million times because it is the truth. Which brings me to another point. Be completely and totally honest with yourself. Lying to yourself is the worst thing you can do and it will sabotage any effort you try to make. So, if you do nothing else, just start with an honest statement about yourself. Own it. And then be honest with finding a realistic solution. I can not have junk in my house. I will eat it. All of it. Regardless of how I know it will make me feel and look. I will be pissed at myself and binge and hate every minute. But I can not stop it. I admit this, own it, and deal with it in the best way that I can. Daily. That is one of the most freeing things I have ever done. Try it. There is so much strength to be gained from just this one simple act.
This is actually really fun. It feels good to get this stuff out and I hope it helps some of you. As I have been typing, I have thought of a lot more. So, I have decided to do this post in two or three parts. Stay tuned my friends! There will be more to come!
And take a look at my Pinterest board for inspiration. I love all of these little sayings. They help me so much!
Over the weekend, after I got home from my trip to Vegas to see P!nk, I hopped on the scale and was so excited to see that I had lost 3 pounds! Then I was even more excited when I realized that loss had brought me to my next goal.
40 pounds lost so far!
This last Tuesday was also my birthday. Seriously, how many more wonderful gifts could I have gotten this year?
I feel better than I did when I turned 25. Honestly, I could never have imagined feeling this good about my life, they way I look, the way I feel, and what I do. I know it’s corny and annoying to say, but it is true.
Sometimes it is hard for me to really believe that this is ME. That I am the one who gets to wake up every morning with this amazing body, feeling so great, and enjoy the wonderful people in my life. I get to do everything I ever wanted. I get to be whoever I decide to be.
I have been busy:
Writing down all of the food I eat, working out every day, planning meals and snacks, cleaning, working, getting new clients, researching, reading, laundry, cooking, dogs, kids, husband, life….. Oh and DUH! ….getting ready to go see PINK in Las Vegas! AH!
I am planning to take a lot of food. I refuse to let this trip pull me into “feeling like shit again” land. And so, I bought an insulated bag and I will be stocking that bitch with good shit.
I have learned a lot about the issues I am having with a few foods. Since cutting out everything I had thought might be an issue, I have not had any headaches, the rash I had is going away, and my heart only did its flippy thing one time. And that was after I tried a piece of Chocolate.
That’s what I said.
But, I am happy that I found some of the triggers, and now, all I have to do is stay clear of them if I want to feel good.
Also, I wanted to share a contest that I am doing over on my Facebook page.
Here are the “rules”:
♥ Just share my page with your friends!!!!
♥ Then share the post about the contest!!!!
♥ And finally, write a quick comment telling me that you shared and would like to enter the drawing!
I will enter you in a drawing to win a book of my choice! Probably one that has helped me so much in my journey so far.
♥ I will enter you as many times as you share!!!! So feel free to do it a lot! 😉
♥ I will draw a winner on February 18th!