Honesty

I know I have said this before, but I really can not say it enough.

There is so much freedom and power in being honest. I mean being honest about everything in our lives. About ourselves. About what we feel, what we do when no one is looking. The important stuff.

I believe honesty is a huge part of changing our lifestyles for the better. Without it, we are never free to see the answers to our problems. So we stay clouded and hidden. Stuck.

It is so scary at first, to think about “outing ourselves”. It feels like we will be left vulnerable and exposed to the evil in the world. It feels like, if we let go of the secret and the things we feel are so shameful, that everyone will point and laugh and we will be left defeated and alone and empty.

That is such a huge lie that our ego tells us.

The first time I was honest about my binge eating and lack of self control, I did it because I felt like there was nowhere else to go. I had hit bottom anyway, so why not share it? I just threw it out there and waited for the hate to overtake me.

But that didn’t happen.

I was immediately filled with a power that I had never felt. A clean fresh feeling. I was left with no reason to defend myself. There was no argument left to defend. It was a fact, out in the open, and not trapped inside me. I felt freedom. Like I had just set down a 50lb boulder. No one hurt me, ridiculed me, or got angry. I was even more surprised that no one judged me.

I figured out that when that information is out there and you stand behind it with confidence, there is nothing left to knock you down.

It left me with only one option. Deal with the problem that I could now see clearly because I wasn’t so busy defending it. Then that is were the focus went. I do or I don’t. Period. The mind fuck is out of the equation. And I am free to deal with it or not.

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I believe that part of the “weight” that I have lost was the weight of all those hidden issues.

I was afraid that those things I was hiding would push me down if I let them go. So I buried them inside with more crappy food and poison and held them in.

But when I released them I found that I was lighter without them inside. I let the poison out and fed myself with nutritious food. My body as well as my mind became free and strong and powerful.

I know there is no magic pill for being happy and healthy, but if anything comes close, I would say that it is honesty.

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Spring again

This spring has reminded me a lot of what I have been going though. One day it is sunny and warm and filled with hope and joy and promise of more warmth. I walk outside for hours and smile all day long. I am motivated and inspired and getting tan.

Within a few hours it is raining and overcast and dreary and lonely. I stay inside and am listless. I feel lazy and bored and stuck.

Then the wind blows and everything is everywhere. I am confused and chaotic. I feel angry and irritated and hopeless and lost.

Within a few days the sun is back, but I am skeptical and anxious. Can I start an outside project? Or are you just going to rain all over it and blow it away tomorrow? WEATHER??

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I wrote my last post at the bottom of a huge fall. I know and knew that I will look back on it and wonder how in the world I got so far off the path. But I know sometimes you have to get off of the perfectly planned path in order to actually learn something of value. So, off I went. I let myself go.

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But, like spring, I am slowly warming back up. I feel fresh and new and cleansed. I feel wounds that are open and still bleeding but the pain is gone. They don’t sting and they are healing beautifully in their own time.

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I look at things differently now. Which is how I know something was accomplished in all of this.

I had to take a few steps back so that I could see the canvas from a different perspective. And when I actually looked at it, I realized how beautiful it already has become. I was just too close to get a good view of it.  If I kept going in the same direction I would have messed it up completely.

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I gave myself the time. I stopped criticizing myself for every choice I made. I stopped weighing myself. I started nourishing myself with what I think my body is asking for. I work out when I feel like it and if I don’t, I don’t. I listen to my body. I have been watching videos and reading books from inspiring people with wonderful information that will help me grow.

I believe I am becoming more me.

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I struggle with not weighing myself almost every day. I still have cravings to binge. I am learning how to not revert back to the old me.

I learned that I need to listen more in order to be heard.

I have to respect the real me more.

I have to honor what my body needs.

I am always learning and growing.

I have to be open to learn anything that I am confronted with.

I need to be taught in order to teach.

I have got to stop, and breathe. Everyday.

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And I have to buy new flip flops every spring.

😉


My comments on your comments. Part 2

You can read part 1 here.

Today, I will only do one because this one covers a lot and it will be long. Before I start, I just need to say I think it is very interesting that I hear these things from multiple people. It really proves how much the food industry has the majority of us brainwashed. I felt so empowered and proactive as I started making a conscious effort  to not let these assholes make me and my kids sick and be used in their money making game. As I started finding more like-minded people who supported and helped me find the right kinds of foods, I got stronger because the fog in my brain literally cleared. I cleansed my body of the chemicals and addictive processed crap. My body began to function the way it was meant to. I became a new person, and more of who I truly am.

This one is kind of touchy for most moms. I take it personally every time someone says these kinds of things because of my own experience (which I will share). So, my response to this subject is driven by my own passion and concern for my own children. When I hear it from others, it sparks something in me that is hard to subdue at times.

#4 “But what do I feed my kids while I am on this diet?” or “My kids won’t eat that and they’ll starve.”

Just let me get out of the way first of all that if I hear someone call this a diet one more time, I am going to freak the hell out. STOP. It just simply is not a diet. And that should answer your question about what your kids will eat. You are changing your LIFE. If it is good enough for you to eat, WHY IN THE HELL would it not be good enough for your kids? Is it okay to feed them crap just because they are getting something in their bellies? But at what cost? Does it honestly make you feel better knowing that they just got closer to getting obesity and numerous sicknesses because you were too lazy to cook them a nutritious meal? None of us have enough time in the day. None of us have enough patience every single day. None of us want to spend extra time and money to go out and buy healthy food and then prepare it all day every day. But how bad do you want you and your kids to stop being fat, unfit, unhealthy, and sick? For me, the need to feel better and do everything in my power to help my kids be healthy outweighed the want of a quick easy “meal”. The truth is there really is something to be said about taking the time to prepare nutrient rich, real food for you and your family. It is THE most loving thing you can do for you and the people you love. That is really ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. And it is NOT that hard to learn how to do after you really consider the pro’s and con’s. Part of this new lifestyle should be re-learning how to feed our bodies and souls. The number one way to do that is to prepare and have ready, real, whole, food for you and your kids. All day. Every day. You teach your kids everything they need to know about life. This should be on the top of the list, because it literally is a matter of life or death. PLEASE take this more seriously. It isn’t just a matter of easy and fast.

My son was about 20 pounds overweight when I started this change. We had just gone to the doctor for his check up, and we got the “talk” from the doctor about how he is overweight for his age. That moment was very surreal for me. And I kept picturing him in my mind as a huge fat teenager. My heart was breaking for him. And I felt helpless. My son has always been very lean growing up. He was starting puberty and in the phase right before a kid has a growth spurt so I, and our family and friends, just kept saying that that was the reason for his being fat. It would have been easy for me to just stay stupid, and pass the blame and play the victim. But, the voice in my head was screaming at me. That HONEST voice that we talked about before. I KNEW deep down, that this was all my fault. I am the one who buys his food and gives it to him. I am the one who offered him crap day in and day out. I am the one who was teaching him how to feed himself crap and how to defend it with a list of excuses. I was doing this because I was too lazy and unhealthy and ignorant to do anything different. It was harder than I could have ever thought to stand up, admit I was doing this to him, and tell him I was sorry and that we were going to fix it. I was driven by my initial motivation to get these changes started, so I ran with it. That kid jumped on board so fast, it blew my mind. All I did was change the type of food that we all ate. Within a few months he had lost over 20 pounds.

When I decided to start changing the way I ate, I refused to buy a whole separate load of groceries for the family. Instead, I started changing their favorite meals into healthy versions. I threw away trash bags full of crap. I found recipes for things that were sweet to help ease them off of the addiction. I was at the store almost every day at first trying to find everything I needed in order to make clean healthy food and pack them healthy lunches. And I did this all as I was sicker than I had ever been, going through my own withdrawal. As we all started seeing how easy it was and how much better it all actually tasted, it sparked dinner conversations about these changes and the snowball just grew from there. I love so much that now, if you ask either of my kids about the way we eat, they will tell you EVERYTHING there is to know about it. Because that has become one of the top lessons in our family.

I am so grateful for the health and wellness of my kids. I am so proud that I am doing the best that I possibly can to raise strong, smart, grounded, happy human beings. It is such a blessing to have grown within myself through that process.

I am the creepy mom that just smiles and hugs my kids at random times of the day just because seeing them healthy and happy is a constant reminder that we are winning.

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I need to make more goals!

40 pounds lost

Over the weekend, after I got home from my trip to Vegas to see P!nk, I hopped on the scale and was so excited to see that I had lost 3 pounds! Then I was even more excited when I realized that loss had brought me to my next goal.

40 pounds lost so far!

This last Tuesday was also my birthday. Seriously, how many more wonderful gifts could I have gotten this year?

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I feel better than I did when I turned 25. Honestly, I could never have imagined feeling this good about my life, they way I look, the way I feel, and what I do. I know it’s corny and annoying to say, but it is true.

Sometimes it is hard for me to really believe that this is ME. That I am the one who gets to wake up every morning with this amazing body, feeling so great, and enjoy the wonderful people in my life. I get to do everything I ever wanted. I get to be whoever I decide to be.

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Just a few things

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I have been busy:

Writing down all of the food I eat, working out every day, planning meals and snacks, cleaning, working, getting new clients, researching, reading, laundry, cooking, dogs, kids, husband, life….. Oh and DUH! ….getting ready to go see PINK in Las Vegas! AH!

I am planning to take a lot of food. I refuse to let this trip pull me into “feeling like shit again” land. And so, I bought an insulated bag and I will be stocking that bitch with good shit.

I have learned a lot about the issues I am having with a few foods. Since cutting out everything I had thought might be an issue, I have not had any headaches, the rash I had is going away, and my heart only did its flippy thing one time. And that was after I tried a piece of Chocolate.

Yeah.

That’s what I said.

Chocolate.

But, I am happy that I found some of the triggers, and now, all I have to do is stay clear of them if I want to feel good.

….but seriously?

Chocolate?

Oy.

Also, I wanted to share a contest that I am doing over on my Facebook page.

Here are the “rules”:

♥ Just share my page with your friends!!!!

♥ Then share the post about the contest!!!!

♥ And finally, write a quick comment telling me that you shared and would like to enter the drawing!

THAT’S IT!

I will enter you in a drawing to win a book of my choice! Probably one that has helped me so much in my journey so far.

♥ I will enter you as many times as you share!!!! So feel free to do it a lot! 😉

♥ I will draw a winner on February 18th!

GOOD LUCK!


Emerging

I posted these on my Facebook page already. So those of you who are already following me over there, Sorry! Its just me again….again…if you are sick of me, then move along…

😉

I just wanted to get this on my blog too. The progress I am having lately has been very much in inches being lost and next to no pounds being lost. This last month I lost 3 pounds but 5 inches. It is hard not to be disappointed when that scale doesn’t freakin move. But when that measuring tape does, it makes up for it and then some.

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It is an amazing feeling knowing that I am building muscle and losing fat.

It is even better seeing those muscles start to show.

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I smile every time I look in the mirror now.

Instead of sucking in, twisting, pulling, and feeling defeated, drained and angry. Then looking away and walking out sad and hopeless.

Now I look, and see more of the real me every day. I am amazed at the revealing of my real frame, relaxed, I embrace myself, I smile, feel full of everything wonderful, and walk away happy, grateful, and peaceful.


Chocolate Chip Cookies Thank God

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Sometimes you seriously need a damn chocolate chip cookie.

I am so grateful for the recipes out there that use real whole food to make them. For these, I used the one in The Wheat Belly Cookbook.

This book, along with the original Wheat Belly book have helped me so much to identify some of my biggest issues with not only weight loss but illness.

Almost every day I come across someone who swears that they can not live without wheat/grains and could not lose weight without it. Kudos to you. I am not one of them. I am grateful that I don’t have a severe reaction to wheat like some people, but it is for sure not my friend. So, this book was a wonderful help to me.

Though wheat is not my friend, I LOVE me some bread, cookies, cakes, doughy goodness yum. The cookbook has recipes for all of these! So far I have only tried the cookies, but if the bread is anywhere near as good as these cookies, then I am going to be good to go.

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I even ate some of the dough. Do you know how long it has been since I have eaten cookie dough? Yeah…. It was amazing.

Considering the disaster that I made of my first attempt to make another recipe of cookies, I kicked ass on this one. I feel like I am learning to bake all over again. Which I am. I put in years of baking experience, and perfected all of the things I made. Then I had to forget it all and learn all over again.

But I am happy to.

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