I know I have said this before, but I really can not say it enough.
There is so much freedom and power in being honest. I mean being honest about everything in our lives. About ourselves. About what we feel, what we do when no one is looking. The important stuff.
I believe honesty is a huge part of changing our lifestyles for the better. Without it, we are never free to see the answers to our problems. So we stay clouded and hidden. Stuck.
It is so scary at first, to think about “outing ourselves”. It feels like we will be left vulnerable and exposed to the evil in the world. It feels like, if we let go of the secret and the things we feel are so shameful, that everyone will point and laugh and we will be left defeated and alone and empty.
That is such a huge lie that our ego tells us.
The first time I was honest about my binge eating and lack of self control, I did it because I felt like there was nowhere else to go. I had hit bottom anyway, so why not share it? I just threw it out there and waited for the hate to overtake me.
But that didn’t happen.
I was immediately filled with a power that I had never felt. A clean fresh feeling. I was left with no reason to defend myself. There was no argument left to defend. It was a fact, out in the open, and not trapped inside me. I felt freedom. Like I had just set down a 50lb boulder. No one hurt me, ridiculed me, or got angry. I was even more surprised that no one judged me.
I figured out that when that information is out there and you stand behind it with confidence, there is nothing left to knock you down.
It left me with only one option. Deal with the problem that I could now see clearly because I wasn’t so busy defending it. Then that is were the focus went. I do or I don’t. Period. The mind fuck is out of the equation. And I am free to deal with it or not.
I believe that part of the “weight” that I have lost was the weight of all those hidden issues.
I was afraid that those things I was hiding would push me down if I let them go. So I buried them inside with more crappy food and poison and held them in.
But when I released them I found that I was lighter without them inside. I let the poison out and fed myself with nutritious food. My body as well as my mind became free and strong and powerful.
I know there is no magic pill for being happy and healthy, but if anything comes close, I would say that it is honesty.
This spring has reminded me a lot of what I have been going though. One day it is sunny and warm and filled with hope and joy and promise of more warmth. I walk outside for hours and smile all day long. I am motivated and inspired and getting tan.
Within a few hours it is raining and overcast and dreary and lonely. I stay inside and am listless. I feel lazy and bored and stuck.
Then the wind blows and everything is everywhere. I am confused and chaotic. I feel angry and irritated and hopeless and lost.
Within a few days the sun is back, but I am skeptical and anxious. Can I start an outside project? Or are you just going to rain all over it and blow it away tomorrow? WEATHER??
I wrote my last post at the bottom of a huge fall. I know and knew that I will look back on it and wonder how in the world I got so far off the path. But I know sometimes you have to get off of the perfectly planned path in order to actually learn something of value. So, off I went. I let myself go.
But, like spring, I am slowly warming back up. I feel fresh and new and cleansed. I feel wounds that are open and still bleeding but the pain is gone. They don’t sting and they are healing beautifully in their own time.
I look at things differently now. Which is how I know something was accomplished in all of this.
I had to take a few steps back so that I could see the canvas from a different perspective. And when I actually looked at it, I realized how beautiful it already has become. I was just too close to get a good view of it. If I kept going in the same direction I would have messed it up completely.
I gave myself the time. I stopped criticizing myself for every choice I made. I stopped weighing myself. I started nourishing myself with what I think my body is asking for. I work out when I feel like it and if I don’t, I don’t. I listen to my body. I have been watching videos and reading books from inspiring people with wonderful information that will help me grow.
I believe I am becoming more me.
I struggle with not weighing myself almost every day. I still have cravings to binge. I am learning how to not revert back to the old me.
I learned that I need to listen more in order to be heard.
I have to respect the real me more.
I have to honor what my body needs.
I am always learning and growing.
I have to be open to learn anything that I am confronted with.
I need to be taught in order to teach.
I have got to stop, and breathe. Everyday.
And I have to buy new flip flops every spring.