Where I am right nowPosted: March 27, 2013
I have been struggling lately with the old bitch. I have had a few compulsive eating episodes because I am grasping for control.
Is it because my weight has plateaued for a fucking month straight? Is it because it is Easter time and the stores are full of fucking Cadbury Creme Eggs? Is it because I feel like I have completely lost my fucking confidence and drive?
I think so.
But what is really getting to me is that I don’t want to look at anything in a different light. I don’t want to find the bright side of anything. I just want to BE angry. I feel like I need to just feel it for a while. I don’t want anyone to fix it for me. I don’t want to solve the problem. I am so over trying to solve it. I don’t want to listen to how anyone else made it through this type of thing. I just want to be lost.
Though I have not lost any weight this month (says the scale) I have lost 2 1/2 total inches. But I am so sick and tired of seeing the fucking numbers not move that it takes the victory of inches away. I know better, I KNOW, but that is my point. I don’t fucking care anymore. How can I try so hard and get a big fat (literally) FUCK YOU every day? I feel as though I have no control anymore. For the first few months of this, I could change a little here and there in my diet and be able to bet money on the scale going down. Now, nothing I do will budge it. I have tried more calories, less calories, no dairy, no meat, more water, more juiced veggies, more exercise, less exercise, different exercise, reading about it, asking about it, talking about it….. ugh sick of even thinking about it….I refuse to believe that this weight is where I will be, and be happy with it. I just can’t. I don’t want to be patient and love my body the way it is and enjoy the ride. I am so over this fat, I can’t even tell you.
Though I have not and will not eat a Cadbury Egg, the victory doesn’t seem to give me any hope, pride, motivation, joy, or accomplishment. I just feel kind of numb. So fucking what. Yay me, big deal. It probably wouldn’t even matter if I did eat the damn thing.
Though I have every reason to feel confident and driven, even after telling myself over and over how far I have come, looking at old pictures, thinking about how I used to feel, I just plain can’t. I know my health is the most important thing and it is awesome right now, but I seriously would love to just rip this fucking fat off of my body for the sake of vanity and throw it into the trash can and be fucking done with it.
I have to somehow learn to deal with this loss of control.
To revel in this limbo.
I am going to accept this for what it is, feel it completely, and when it passes it passes. I am not going to worry about when.
I have decided to put way less pressure on myself.
I have also decided to stop using my scale for a month. I KNOW all about the whole scale issue. I KNOW I should not have been using it daily, but it did help me up until now. Now it has become a negative thing, and so I will stop.
I have to be real. I have to accept that I am not perfect.
I am going to stay true to me.
I’m going to do more for me for a while.
I am going to write and draw and think and cry for me.
Hopefully this will result in something positive in the end.
Hopefully I am just in the middle of a phase and the other side is bright and beautiful and hopeful.