Part of my journey

I worked out like a maniac. I could kick some serious ass when it came to hard core workouts. And I would, and then promptly go to the nearest fast food place and down a super-sized whatever-the-fuck. And then wonder why I couldn’t lose any weight.

I would starve myself for hours and then be so hungry that any and all reasonable decision making was no where to be found. And I couldn’t wrap my brain around why I always binged until I was physically ill.

I was sick to my stomach for the rest of the day, up in the middle of the night, on the toilet the whole next day, and had heart burn 24/7. And it never dawned on me that it might have something to do with what I was eating.

I would comfort myself with a bag of chocolate-sugar-chemical-shit and never connect the fact that my need for comfort meant so much more than a physically full feeling.

Going shopping meant loading the cart with boxes and bags of addictive, comforting, expensive, processed “food”. As soon as I got home, the shoving began.
That is, of course after I inevitably had a severe panic attack in the middle of the store. It was a good day if it wasn’t bad enough for me to leave and I could actually get the shopping done. When I would get back home I was physically drained and mentally whooped. And all I had to nourish my body with was crap and more crap. Still, I did not even suspect that the food I was eating had anything to do with my panic attacks.

I could not understand how people did it. I knew all the lingo… “Eat real food”, “don’t eat sugar”, “don’t eat processed food”, “eat more vegetables”…

I hated hearing those dumb ass people prance around in there size teeny-tiny’s proclaiming how the weight just “fell off” or “melted off” or “just went away”.

I envied people who could eat anything and stay skinny. Never considering that they too, felt like shit 90% of the time. I just wanted to be thin.

I accepted being big, chubby, thick, large boned, curvy, and chunky. Tried to force myself to believe that that is who I was. That that is what I was. I big girl who liked chocolate.

I gave in to the temptation every time it hit. Considering I was trapped in the addictive cycle of crappy food, that was pretty much constant.

I some how could not connect the need for good food and how to get it in my body with changing my life in the process. I guess it was a mixture of fear and stubbornness. Actually now that I type that out, I realize that that is exactly what it was. Fear. Of the unknown, of the challenge, of failing, of giving up what I know and thought I needed.

I really can not pinpoint what exactly made me finally dive in and buy a book about fat loss. By the time I started reading it, I had already gained enough motivation to start something. Anything. And at the time, my past experience told me it would be another “diet” and that I could MAYBE try to keep it off this time. I hadn’t even gotten through the first chapter when I realized where it was going and just started changing things in my life. The need to change finally out weighed the need to cling to what I was used to. And I ran with it.

I just decided to stop eating sugar and carbohydrates for a while. Had it not been for that deep motivation, there would have been no way I could have gotten though it. But it turns out that those two weeks where like a long deep tunnel that I scraped, crawled, pulled, and drug myself though. I needed this time to clear my head and body of the fog. Alone and empty, I was driven by the little flicker of light at the end that promised so much hope. I allowed myself to dream of things that I had shoved deep inside. The closer I got, the better I felt and the stronger I became. At the end of the tunnel was a mountain. Charged by the triumph of kicking that tunnel’s ass, I started up the mountain.

I think that I am at the top of the mountain now. I still learn new things about my wellness everyday and hope to continue for the rest of my life. I don’t think this will be the last mountain and I don’t think the way down it will be a piece of cake (haha). But I am in the light. The air is clean and clear. The sun is shinning fully on my face. I am thankful for the journey. And I am ready to keep going.

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