The Binge Bitch

I have had to really dig deep into my bag of tricks this week. For the first time in the four months since I have changed my eating, I have cravings to binge. Oh, and I want to get it done. I want to eat a dozen donuts. I want to stuff my face with garlic bread. I want the texture of a cake in my mouth. I want sugar and candy and a freakin Cadbury Screme Egg! (seriously, they come out with those NOW?)

I was waiting for this to happen. My weakness is not a certain food, exactly. I just would binge myself sick. I haven’t felt anything this strong yet, so I am trying my hardest to figure out exactly what is causing it so that I can add to my back up plan. I want to know exactly what to do the next time this happens.

So far I have tried indulging in healthy versions of treats, trying to make sure I am too full of veggies to eat anything else, reading, walking, working out, taking a bath, cleaning and playing on Pinterest (which is where I learned to start counting down from your current weight to your goal weight. This actually helped me today.)

At first, the withdrawal from sugar was so fresh in my mind that all I had to do when I started thinking about sugary food was remember how it felt to stop eating it and I literally got sick to my stomach and didn’t want anything to do with it. That is getting harder to do as time goes on.

I know that if I eat any of it I will feel like crap. I know I will regret it as soon as it is in my stomach. I am afraid that that binge monster will return. She is a nasty bitch. Once she is in control, there is no hope. Only regret and pain and guilt and sadness and sickness. But still, I find myself finding excuses or exceptions. And then I find myself talking to her and yelling at her to “FUCK OFF!”

I know I have to just embrace the feeling and not fight it. Fighting it will only make it worse and make me want to rebel and just binge and get it over with. To just let her win….again…..

I just don’t want to ever go back there.

I did a little better today, though I really don’t know what I did different. Maybe just because I am riding it out and it is passing.

I hope so.


One Comment on “The Binge Bitch”

  1. […] have been struggling lately with the old bitch. I have had a few compulsive eating episodes because I am grasping for […]

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