I don’t know how many times I have changed my career goals. I thought about those changes as things that have happened to me. Things that I had to change because of those people that did those things to me. Recently I have learned just the opposite, though it is still hard to see that clearly from a personal point of view. I believe everything that happens in my life, happens because of me. Because of something I put out into the world. A feeling, something I said, thoughts, things I did, the timing of my actions, how I responded to a multitude of issues and things and people.
I feel that it all has led me to where I am today and the lessons I have learned along the way are extremely valuable. I agree that I must learn and grow from things that happen. But I strongly believe that those things happened for no other reason than I set myself up to endure them. I believe this is true for everyone.
You are where you are today because of you. No one else.
Think about this being true for every person in the world, stop, take a look, you will see this is true. Have you ever wondered why it is that when you think of a certain object, that it seems to pop up everywhere you look?
I believe karma works in this way. I do not believe you can enforce Karma onto people. If fact, if you are giving out the feelings of enforcing anything on anyone, that indeed is what you will get in return. That is your own personal Karma. Only you can propel your Karma. Interesting I think. And I have seen it in action.
So, when I take a look at reasons why the jobs I have had have ended, I thought, in the past, that it was never my fault. In reality, it totally was always mine.
I am grateful for them all because I what I learned in the process was invaluable. In more ways than one.
I am also thankful for the choice to not work (yeah right, all moms know its a full time job with no pay and no breaks…) in order to raise my children at home with me and to provide a real household for my family.
I feel that the new job path I am on is a good one. I feel content with the choice, excited about the opportunities, confident that I will get everything I want and need from it, and filled with joy that I have the opportunity to pursue it.
My hope and wish is that the perfect job opportunity presents itself to everyone in the world.
I am glad that I know better now. I am thankful for the knowledge I have in my possession which I can use to keep myself afloat. I recognize what this is and therefore it is extinguished before it can become destructive. But sometimes I miss my old friend. Sometimes I long for the release. I am quickly reminded that it was one of those things that seemed good at the time. Nothing good really comes from it. The opposite actually. Maybe my kid inside is still just plain conditioned to throw a fit. It is in my nature to whine. I would love to let her out. To cry, yell, moan, rant, and rave. To scream and make a scene. It is consuming though and I know the consequences. An indulgence is tempting. An outlet is needed. I have buried it before. The outcome is unpleasant. I am thankful for a creative way to express it now. Though, the thought is still there. People are easy to criticize when I am in this state of mind. Pulling away is just another way of expressing this rebellion. Again I am reminded to accept and acknowledge and it disintegrates. For now.
What it means to me is simple. Most have complicated expectations of what they think it should mean to me.
Peace and joy.
Love and family.
Sharing and giving.
Karma in its most obvious form.
And a place in your soul that lights up in ways that no other time can duplicate.
Laughter and lights.
Cozy and warm.
Each ornament I pull from the boxes is like a stranger until I hold it up in the light. Memories are vivid. Who gave this to me. Gave it to us. Sharing the love of the day. I remember when I received it. Where I was. What they said. What I said. The feeling radiating off of it is the same as when I first saw it. Remember it. When it was made by small hands and carried home and hung. Or I was thought of and matched with it and it was wrapped and given.
The door knob isn’t too cold. I grasp it with my warm hand, and turn. A rush of cold air pushes on my entire body. The air bites. It nips at my nose. My muscles tighten. I feel like turning around. Diving back into the warmth and safety. I clench my jaw. Squint my eyes. Ball my fists. Curl my toes in my shoes. Instinctively turn my back to the icy wind. Push my legs forward. The walk seems longer than I remember. Crunching under my feet. Again and again. And then soft sand. Cold sand. I remember how the sand can burn my skin in the summer. Impossible. I raise my head to find the sun in the sky. Concealed behind gray misty clouds. It is not a hot ball of fire. It is a warm glowing orb. Stretching its power out wide. I need the sun to my back. It shows the branches so much better with its real light. I square myself so that the sun is directly behind me. The tree in front of me. I look up. Bare. Brilliantly red. The picture will never show how red it is in reality. There are buds already. They will stay inside for a while. Quite a while. I turn on my camera. Wait. Push the button. Look. The wind pushes on me again. I frame the beautiful bare tree. Up a little, then down. Step to my left. The sky is not bright blue this time. I notice. Breath, click, hold.
I love the pattern. Reliable and consistent. Beautiful over and over again. My work brought into the light. Like any kind of art. A product of expression ignited by thought and then produced.
My hope is to donate this scarf for an action. The money will go towards helping people get things that they need this holiday season.
Expression and creation of my love will continue to flow though many people.
And keep someone warm in the process.
So many things done for so many people and all from a spark of inspiration, a thought, and an expression.
The feeling reminds me of you.
The site and sounds. Memories I will cherish forever. The amount of time spent was and is set in stone. Learned lessons and passion made.
Lingering on my cheeks is the bite of the cold air that reminds me of the warmth I felt in your arms. The sent of you. Touching your skin with my fingertips and your shirt with my wrist.
It happened a long time ago and still happens.
Every time we are here. Again and again, the same and new. Special and common. Though, further apart the time between these moments gets. Just as beautiful and magical. I cherish them more now. I hope for it to linger and stay. To last until next time. This feeling linked to the next and last time it was and will be felt.
It will always be this strong. It lives forever.
This feeling that reminds me of you.
It is profound that the exact same place with the same light and same temperature and same breeze can feel completely different to me depending on my own perspective.
What I feel that I love in the world, is really what I love in my head. In my soul. inside me, who I am.
I feel that I left an imprint of how I felt in a moment in time while looking at the tree. When I look at the tree again in a different moment in time, the imprint of the old feeling can be seen and felt. Though more distant. It is almost impossible for my mind to grasp that I felt an entirely different way about this tree not two days ago.
If I imprint my joy and peace on enough of my surroundings, can this influence me to be more full of joy and peace more of the time? Is this true for the opposite?
Happiness is a state of mind.